Sometimes life is just so screwed up so much so i wish i have a remote control and put it on fast forward mode so that I don't have to go through the sufferings. But then what is life without sufferings :(
There are so any things on my mind now but I am just at lost for words. Can't seem to find the appropriate words, sentences or phrases to describe what I am feeling right now.
Numb? Shock? Angry? Frustrated? Victimised? Despair?
It takes a while for reality to sink in and when it does I hope things will be clearer and I can see life again from a new perspective.
Till the time comes... I pray to God to ease my pain and make it more bearable to go through the days. I know what I am doing and I hope it is the right thing to do no matter how crazy it may seem.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Count Our Blessings
According to MSN Money, inflation in Asia is out of control and the situation most likely will be getting worse in the coming months. For Malaysia, the 3% annual rate for April was a 15-month high, and Bank Negara is now predicting inflation will climb to 4.2% for all of 2008. *sigh*
But if we think our situation is bad, it looks like our neighbour country, Indonesia, is even worse. There's an article in NST today about Jakarta's urban poor that makes me realize how lucky our children are compared to some other children in other parts of the world.
The article reminds me of what happened during our recent trip to Bandung.
It was around 8pm. My husband wanted to alter the pants that he bought at one of the factory outlets. He asked our taxi driver who was waiting for us outside the shop and before the man could answer, there was this young girl about 8 years old who said "Pak, saya boleh tunjukkan" (Sir, I can show you"). So, my husband followed her.
After about 30 minutes, I saw my husband walking back and just slighly infront of him was the same girl who showed him the way just now. When he arrived at the place where I was waiting for him, I heard the girl kept saying "Terima kasih Pak" (Thank you sir) a few times. Then she left.
My husband was quite for a while during our journey back to the hotel. Then he told me what happened.
According to him, after the girl showed him the way, he gave her Rp2,000 which is equivalent to about 76sen. She was so happy and quickly she went to buy 2 pieces of bread. She ate one and she kept the other one. The way she ate it somehow showed that she was hungry and my husband asked her "lapar ya?" ("hungry?"). She answered "ya Pak. Ngak makan dari pagi" ("yes sir. I have not eaten since morning"). Later she said that the other piece was for her brother.
Anyway, my husband told her that she could go if she wanted to as he knew how to get back to where I was waiting but she continued to wait with my husband until the pants was ready.
My husband kept saying how lucky our daughter is. Imagine those children who have to do all sorts of odd jobs to survive. Rp2,000 which he gave to the girl may not mean much to us but to her it filled up her hungry stomach and maybe her brother's as well. And the Rp2,000 given to her was enough to make her waited for my husband to finish his errand.
This happened before the recent fuel hike. If life was difficult for them before, I'm sure it will be worse now.
We should count our blessings. At least our children are able to enjoy a much better life.
But if we think our situation is bad, it looks like our neighbour country, Indonesia, is even worse. There's an article in NST today about Jakarta's urban poor that makes me realize how lucky our children are compared to some other children in other parts of the world.
The article reminds me of what happened during our recent trip to Bandung.
It was around 8pm. My husband wanted to alter the pants that he bought at one of the factory outlets. He asked our taxi driver who was waiting for us outside the shop and before the man could answer, there was this young girl about 8 years old who said "Pak, saya boleh tunjukkan" (Sir, I can show you"). So, my husband followed her.
After about 30 minutes, I saw my husband walking back and just slighly infront of him was the same girl who showed him the way just now. When he arrived at the place where I was waiting for him, I heard the girl kept saying "Terima kasih Pak" (Thank you sir) a few times. Then she left.
My husband was quite for a while during our journey back to the hotel. Then he told me what happened.
According to him, after the girl showed him the way, he gave her Rp2,000 which is equivalent to about 76sen. She was so happy and quickly she went to buy 2 pieces of bread. She ate one and she kept the other one. The way she ate it somehow showed that she was hungry and my husband asked her "lapar ya?" ("hungry?"). She answered "ya Pak. Ngak makan dari pagi" ("yes sir. I have not eaten since morning"). Later she said that the other piece was for her brother.
Anyway, my husband told her that she could go if she wanted to as he knew how to get back to where I was waiting but she continued to wait with my husband until the pants was ready.
My husband kept saying how lucky our daughter is. Imagine those children who have to do all sorts of odd jobs to survive. Rp2,000 which he gave to the girl may not mean much to us but to her it filled up her hungry stomach and maybe her brother's as well. And the Rp2,000 given to her was enough to make her waited for my husband to finish his errand.
This happened before the recent fuel hike. If life was difficult for them before, I'm sure it will be worse now.
We should count our blessings. At least our children are able to enjoy a much better life.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
What I Learned
Exactly 3 years ago, I made a decision which I later regretted. It took a while to rectify things and as expected, nothing was the same anymore. But little did I know that it was actually a blessing in disguise.
I guess if I did not make that decision, life would not be as it is now. Even though I do have my 'down' moments, but on the whole, life is a lot more tolerable. I began to look at things at different perspectives and in a way it makes me become more adaptable. I thank God for that.
Anyway, here is something that I happen to find on the internet which I would like to share.
What I Learned
by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown
I've learned
- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned
- that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned
- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned
- that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned
- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned
- that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned
- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned
- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned
- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned
- that learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned
- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned
- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned
- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many years you've lived.
I've learned - that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed you.
I've learned
- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned
- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned
- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
l've learned
- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned
- that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned
- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned
- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned
- that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned
- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned
- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned
- that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I've learned
- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned
- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I guess if I did not make that decision, life would not be as it is now. Even though I do have my 'down' moments, but on the whole, life is a lot more tolerable. I began to look at things at different perspectives and in a way it makes me become more adaptable. I thank God for that.
Anyway, here is something that I happen to find on the internet which I would like to share.
What I Learned
by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown
I've learned
- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned
- that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned
- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned
- that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned
- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned
- that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it. I've learned - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned
- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned
- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned
- that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned
- that learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned
- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned
- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned
- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many years you've lived.
I've learned - that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed you.
I've learned
- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned
- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned
- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
l've learned
- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned
- that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned
- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned
- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned
- that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned
- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned
- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned
- that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I've learned
- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned
- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Down The Memory Lane
I was on Yahoo Messenger with a friend this morning and chatting with her brings back a lot of memories.
This friend of mine is currently doing her PhD at West Virginia University, Morgantown, USA. Not many people know about Morgantown as it is just a small university town in the east coast. But those who follow The US college football will note of its existence as West Virginia University is in the top three of the national ranking (Go Mountaineers!!)
There is this song, sung by John Denver "Almost heaven, West Virginia - Blue ridge mountains Shenandoah river - Life is old there, older than the trees - Younger than the mountains growing like a breeze".
Couldn't agree more. I spent three great years there and trust me when I say that the scenery is so beautiful and splendid especially during fall/autumn... when the leaves change colors...gold and crimson. It's so picturesque. I remember spending hours at the Arboretum near the coliseum ... sometimes taking a walk down the paths, sometimes reading book while having my daily dose of mountain dew and snickers (hahaha.. my main diet at that time), or sometimes just lazing around, doing nothing.
I learned a lot there. Formally, I got my degree. but informally, I learned a lot about life and living. That is something that I will always treasure.
I remember falling in love for the first time there and I also remember having my heart broken for the first time there too. Even though it happened so long ago, but it is still very clear in my mind. I can still picture myself crying my heart out in my room while listening to Whitney Houston's All At Once.. over and over and over.
I also remember partying at the discos after the semesters ended. Our favorite was the one at the Holiday Inn. Can't remember the name though. The first time I went to the disco, I had to borrow somebody else's ID as those below 21 are considered as under aged. I remember the guy who checked my ID looked at me up and down a few times before letting me go in. Then only I realized that the height stated in the ID was 5 feet while I'm much taller than that. No wonder he was skeptical.
This morning my friend mentioned that it started snowing a couple of weeks back and last week the snow was about one feet high. That reminds me of a time when I was stucked in the snow while climbing up a hill to the PRT station (something like LRT). Instead of taking the stairs, I took the shortcut.. ignoring the fact that it snowed quite heavily the night before. Luckily there were 2 guys who were kind enough to pull me out (at that time I was not as heavy as I am now... hehehehe).
Then there was this incident, also happened during winter. I was on my way to class, around 8am and the road was icy and slippery. Instead of my wearing my normal winter boots, I wore my high heels and my suit that morning as I had presentation to do. I think you can guess what happened. Yup, I slipped and fell. It was so embarrassing. Luckily it was still early in the morning and nobody was around except for one lady. She asked me if I was alright and instead of answering her, I asked whether my hair looked okay. Duh, how vain I was...hahahaha.
Well, those were the days...when life was a lot less complicated than now. All I had to worry was how to look good, academically and physically.
Sometimes I miss morgantown and WVU. I just wish that one day I am able to go there again. It would really be nice to be able to visit those places that always have a special place in my heart.
This friend of mine is currently doing her PhD at West Virginia University, Morgantown, USA. Not many people know about Morgantown as it is just a small university town in the east coast. But those who follow The US college football will note of its existence as West Virginia University is in the top three of the national ranking (Go Mountaineers!!)
There is this song, sung by John Denver "Almost heaven, West Virginia - Blue ridge mountains Shenandoah river - Life is old there, older than the trees - Younger than the mountains growing like a breeze".
Couldn't agree more. I spent three great years there and trust me when I say that the scenery is so beautiful and splendid especially during fall/autumn... when the leaves change colors...gold and crimson. It's so picturesque. I remember spending hours at the Arboretum near the coliseum ... sometimes taking a walk down the paths, sometimes reading book while having my daily dose of mountain dew and snickers (hahaha.. my main diet at that time), or sometimes just lazing around, doing nothing.
I learned a lot there. Formally, I got my degree. but informally, I learned a lot about life and living. That is something that I will always treasure.
I remember falling in love for the first time there and I also remember having my heart broken for the first time there too. Even though it happened so long ago, but it is still very clear in my mind. I can still picture myself crying my heart out in my room while listening to Whitney Houston's All At Once.. over and over and over.
I also remember partying at the discos after the semesters ended. Our favorite was the one at the Holiday Inn. Can't remember the name though. The first time I went to the disco, I had to borrow somebody else's ID as those below 21 are considered as under aged. I remember the guy who checked my ID looked at me up and down a few times before letting me go in. Then only I realized that the height stated in the ID was 5 feet while I'm much taller than that. No wonder he was skeptical.
This morning my friend mentioned that it started snowing a couple of weeks back and last week the snow was about one feet high. That reminds me of a time when I was stucked in the snow while climbing up a hill to the PRT station (something like LRT). Instead of taking the stairs, I took the shortcut.. ignoring the fact that it snowed quite heavily the night before. Luckily there were 2 guys who were kind enough to pull me out (at that time I was not as heavy as I am now... hehehehe).
Then there was this incident, also happened during winter. I was on my way to class, around 8am and the road was icy and slippery. Instead of my wearing my normal winter boots, I wore my high heels and my suit that morning as I had presentation to do. I think you can guess what happened. Yup, I slipped and fell. It was so embarrassing. Luckily it was still early in the morning and nobody was around except for one lady. She asked me if I was alright and instead of answering her, I asked whether my hair looked okay. Duh, how vain I was...hahahaha.
Well, those were the days...when life was a lot less complicated than now. All I had to worry was how to look good, academically and physically.
Sometimes I miss morgantown and WVU. I just wish that one day I am able to go there again. It would really be nice to be able to visit those places that always have a special place in my heart.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Facebook and Headhunter
I have finally succumbed to Facebook. Registered about a week ago and I'm addicted. At first I thought it is just another networking tool like friendster (ok but more for youngsters) but then once I'm in it I realize that it is not that bad. Found a few friends whom I have not been in contact with for quite a while.
Anyway, now that I have explored the many wonderful applications in Facebook, life is back to normal. .. :)
In my earlier posting, farewell friends, I mentioned briefly about what's happening at the company where I'm attached to. Well, things are still the same and more and more of the 'old' staff are feeling somewhat demotivated. Many do not dare to voice out their feelings for fear of being transferred or put in cold storage. It happened to me and a few others and I know it can happen to so many others who dare to 'go against the flow'. Well, in my case it was not really against the flow, but more of questioning why it flows this way instead of that way.
A few of my friends left and I know more will be leaving too, if the opportunity knocks on their door.
Anyway, something wonderful happened to me last Thursday. I received a call from a Headhunter asking for my resume. It seems that they are looking for somebody to handle a portfolio that I'm quite familiar with and somebody recommended me.
It took me quite a while to get my resume done (gosh! have not updated it for more than 5 years). Sent the resume and now waiting for the results. Regardless whether I get the job or not, but I still feel good because somewhere out there, people still value my capabilities. They still know what I can do and have the confidence that I can do it well. It may sound pathetic but the fact is, that phone call really makes me happy. It's not so much because of the prospect of having a chance to get a new job but it is more of the fact that I still have my worth. That phone call somehow reassured me that I still have my value.
To be honest, even though I am not happy working here at the moment, but if given a choice, I do not want to leave. As I mentioned before, I don't mind getting old with the company. I have been here since it was still an infant with less than 50 people... about 9 years ago, and I don't mind going for another 9 or more years.
Anyway, now that I have explored the many wonderful applications in Facebook, life is back to normal. .. :)
In my earlier posting, farewell friends, I mentioned briefly about what's happening at the company where I'm attached to. Well, things are still the same and more and more of the 'old' staff are feeling somewhat demotivated. Many do not dare to voice out their feelings for fear of being transferred or put in cold storage. It happened to me and a few others and I know it can happen to so many others who dare to 'go against the flow'. Well, in my case it was not really against the flow, but more of questioning why it flows this way instead of that way.
A few of my friends left and I know more will be leaving too, if the opportunity knocks on their door.
Anyway, something wonderful happened to me last Thursday. I received a call from a Headhunter asking for my resume. It seems that they are looking for somebody to handle a portfolio that I'm quite familiar with and somebody recommended me.
It took me quite a while to get my resume done (gosh! have not updated it for more than 5 years). Sent the resume and now waiting for the results. Regardless whether I get the job or not, but I still feel good because somewhere out there, people still value my capabilities. They still know what I can do and have the confidence that I can do it well. It may sound pathetic but the fact is, that phone call really makes me happy. It's not so much because of the prospect of having a chance to get a new job but it is more of the fact that I still have my worth. That phone call somehow reassured me that I still have my value.
To be honest, even though I am not happy working here at the moment, but if given a choice, I do not want to leave. As I mentioned before, I don't mind getting old with the company. I have been here since it was still an infant with less than 50 people... about 9 years ago, and I don't mind going for another 9 or more years.
Monday, November 5, 2007
My Sentimental Moment....
I was sipping my latte at Starbucks Coffee, Amcorp Mall yesterday when something interesting caught my attention. Not very far from where I sat, I saw a couple, whom I guess must be in their 60's, and the way they were holding hands and smiled to each other while browsing through the sunday flea market stalls really warmed my heart.
Very seldom I see elderly couples, especially malays, walk holding hands like that. There was tenderness in the way they regarded each other and I could almost feel it.
How I wish I have that kind of love when I am going through my golden years.
I found this poem, which was written by Ana Castillo and I think it's very beautiful:
I Ask the Impossible
I ask the impossible: love me forever
Love me when all desire is gone
Love me with the single mindedness of a monk
When the world in its entirety
and all that you hold sacred advise you against it
love me still more
When rage fills you and has no name: love me
When each step from your door to your job tires you: love me
and from job to home again, love me, love me
Love me when you're bored
when every woman you see is more beautiful than the last
or more pathetic, love me as you always have
not as admirer or judge
but with the compassion you save for yourself in your solitude
Love me as you relish your loneliness
the anticipation of your death
mysteries of the flesh
as it tears and mends
Love me as your most treasured childhood memory
and if there is none to recall
imagine one, place me there with you
Love me withered as you loved me new
Love me as if I were forever
and I, will make the impossible a simple act
by loving you, loving you as I do.
Very seldom I see elderly couples, especially malays, walk holding hands like that. There was tenderness in the way they regarded each other and I could almost feel it.
How I wish I have that kind of love when I am going through my golden years.
I found this poem, which was written by Ana Castillo and I think it's very beautiful:
I Ask the Impossible
I ask the impossible: love me forever
Love me when all desire is gone
Love me with the single mindedness of a monk
When the world in its entirety
and all that you hold sacred advise you against it
love me still more
When rage fills you and has no name: love me
When each step from your door to your job tires you: love me
and from job to home again, love me, love me
Love me when you're bored
when every woman you see is more beautiful than the last
or more pathetic, love me as you always have
not as admirer or judge
but with the compassion you save for yourself in your solitude
Love me as you relish your loneliness
the anticipation of your death
mysteries of the flesh
as it tears and mends
Love me as your most treasured childhood memory
and if there is none to recall
imagine one, place me there with you
Love me withered as you loved me new
Love me as if I were forever
and I, will make the impossible a simple act
by loving you, loving you as I do.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Al Fatihah.. Dahlia in Memory
Around 3am Monday morning my mobile phone rang. When I saw the caller ID, my heart skipped. Immediately I was thinking.. "Oh, No.. please let it not be true".
My instinct was right. This friend of mine called to say that our close friend, Dahlia, has finally rested in peace at 2am.
Even though I sort of expected this to come, but still when the time came, I was not prepared for it. After a brief silence, I couldn't help crying. But I know this is the best for Dahlia. GOD loves her more and GOD doesn't want her to go through the sufferings anymore.
Dahlia was diagnosed with stomach cancer (stage 3) in May 2007. At that time the tumor had spread to lymph nodes and she was recommended by doctor to go for chemo to downstage it. Even though she did all the recommended treatments faithfully, unfortunately, it didn't help much.
I went a couple of times to visit her but somehow did not manage to see her during Ramadhan (still feel bad for not doing so). Tried to go on two occasions but both times I had to postpone as she was undergoing her chemo. Only managed to see her after Hari Raya on 19th Oct and I was shocked to see the changes in her. She lost so much weight and was down to 43 kg at that time. Imagine that much of weight on somebody who is 5'5" tall!
It was really sad to see a once bubbly and very cheerful person in such condition. After my initial shock of seeing how frail and weak she was, her mother asked me to sit on the chair next to her bed and I held her very thin hands. When I greeted her, I could see the effort it took her to open her eyes and look at me. But she did and she even managed a smile. After a while, she managed to say a few words to me.
I remember helping her to go to the bathroom and all I could feel was bones. It took a lot of effort not to cry in front of her. A few of us who are close to her promised her husband not to shed any tears when we see her and we had to honour that promise.
Before I left, she said to me to call her husband if I want to visit her as she will not be answering her calls. When I heard that, I know she wanted me to visit her more often. Luckily I did, almost everyday except for 3 days when I was sick. If not, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
A few days after that her condition got worse and on Tuesday, 23rd October, the family decided to send her back to Gleneagles Hospital as she was so dehydrated and weak.
When I visited her last Saturday, she was in so much pain. Her breathing was difficult, her face was very pale and even though her eyes were opened, she seemed like she was in another world. The doctors couldn't do anything much as they had exhausted all means and she was relying mainly on painkiller aka morphine. Visitors were not encouraged and we had to go in one by one.
It was a bit too much for me seeing her like that. I was in her room for about 5 minutes only and I quickly left and joined other friends outside the room. Seeing her like that drained all my energy. She was hurting very much and there was nothing that anyone could do except kept telling her to have faith in Allah and have patience.
I managed to hold my tears until I was safely in the car. I cried all the way home to Shah Alam
I thought of going to the hospital again on Sunday but I cancelled it. I didn't have enough guts to see her in so much pain. I knew I would breakdown and cry. I kept imagining what if I am in her situation. How will I take it? How will my family take it? The thought of her daughter who is only four years old growing up without a mother breaks my heart. She is too young to understand.
I prayed to GOD to ease her pain and give the best for her. Looking at her, I knew her time was very near.
So, when I received the call early yesterday morning, there could only be one thing. She must have made it.
According to her mother, she passed away in peace. She was calm. When I kissed and bid farewell to her before her jenazah was sent for burial yesterday, I knew our prayers were answered. This is the best for her. There will be no more pain for her.
I still find it a bit overwhelming. It is surely very difficult to say goodbye to a very dear friend whom I have known since I was 13. We were roomates back in our MRSM days, housemates when we were in States and housemates when we started working. We shared a lot of memories together.
To Dahlia dearest, you will always be remembered and sadly missed by us all. May your soul rest in peace. Al Fatihah.
My instinct was right. This friend of mine called to say that our close friend, Dahlia, has finally rested in peace at 2am.
Even though I sort of expected this to come, but still when the time came, I was not prepared for it. After a brief silence, I couldn't help crying. But I know this is the best for Dahlia. GOD loves her more and GOD doesn't want her to go through the sufferings anymore.
Dahlia was diagnosed with stomach cancer (stage 3) in May 2007. At that time the tumor had spread to lymph nodes and she was recommended by doctor to go for chemo to downstage it. Even though she did all the recommended treatments faithfully, unfortunately, it didn't help much.
I went a couple of times to visit her but somehow did not manage to see her during Ramadhan (still feel bad for not doing so). Tried to go on two occasions but both times I had to postpone as she was undergoing her chemo. Only managed to see her after Hari Raya on 19th Oct and I was shocked to see the changes in her. She lost so much weight and was down to 43 kg at that time. Imagine that much of weight on somebody who is 5'5" tall!
It was really sad to see a once bubbly and very cheerful person in such condition. After my initial shock of seeing how frail and weak she was, her mother asked me to sit on the chair next to her bed and I held her very thin hands. When I greeted her, I could see the effort it took her to open her eyes and look at me. But she did and she even managed a smile. After a while, she managed to say a few words to me.
I remember helping her to go to the bathroom and all I could feel was bones. It took a lot of effort not to cry in front of her. A few of us who are close to her promised her husband not to shed any tears when we see her and we had to honour that promise.
Before I left, she said to me to call her husband if I want to visit her as she will not be answering her calls. When I heard that, I know she wanted me to visit her more often. Luckily I did, almost everyday except for 3 days when I was sick. If not, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
A few days after that her condition got worse and on Tuesday, 23rd October, the family decided to send her back to Gleneagles Hospital as she was so dehydrated and weak.
When I visited her last Saturday, she was in so much pain. Her breathing was difficult, her face was very pale and even though her eyes were opened, she seemed like she was in another world. The doctors couldn't do anything much as they had exhausted all means and she was relying mainly on painkiller aka morphine. Visitors were not encouraged and we had to go in one by one.
It was a bit too much for me seeing her like that. I was in her room for about 5 minutes only and I quickly left and joined other friends outside the room. Seeing her like that drained all my energy. She was hurting very much and there was nothing that anyone could do except kept telling her to have faith in Allah and have patience.
I managed to hold my tears until I was safely in the car. I cried all the way home to Shah Alam
I thought of going to the hospital again on Sunday but I cancelled it. I didn't have enough guts to see her in so much pain. I knew I would breakdown and cry. I kept imagining what if I am in her situation. How will I take it? How will my family take it? The thought of her daughter who is only four years old growing up without a mother breaks my heart. She is too young to understand.
I prayed to GOD to ease her pain and give the best for her. Looking at her, I knew her time was very near.
So, when I received the call early yesterday morning, there could only be one thing. She must have made it.
According to her mother, she passed away in peace. She was calm. When I kissed and bid farewell to her before her jenazah was sent for burial yesterday, I knew our prayers were answered. This is the best for her. There will be no more pain for her.
I still find it a bit overwhelming. It is surely very difficult to say goodbye to a very dear friend whom I have known since I was 13. We were roomates back in our MRSM days, housemates when we were in States and housemates when we started working. We shared a lot of memories together.
To Dahlia dearest, you will always be remembered and sadly missed by us all. May your soul rest in peace. Al Fatihah.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Farewell Friends
It is sad to receive bad news one after another (actually don't know whether it's bad or good news ... depends on which perspective we are looking at).
These past few months we have seen many of the 'old' staff left the company, and the number keeps growing. To top that up, two more tendered their resignation... one on Monday and another one yesterday.
I feel so sad because not only they are dear friends of mine, but they are also among those who I think contributed a lot to the company thus far. They are heading two important departments here, one is on the revenue and another on controls the financial matters.
In my opinion, they left because they are not happy with the current situation of the company(but of course, another reason is because the offer is quite good to just let it go). Since the new management comes in, many of the staff who have served the company ever since its infant days (including yours truly) feel that we are not being appreciated . The new management see us as a bunch of jokers, idiots who do not know how to do our jobs. Hence, the reason why they bring in so many people at the top posts... some are just newly created. No doubt some are quite good (even though not as excellent as they were portrayed to be), but some are still yet to prove themselves worthy of the remuneration package given.
It has been seven months since the new management took over but so far I do not see much progress been made... apart from hiring new people and transferring some staff to other departments. Changes to the structure happens so fast nowadays. If they think a person is not suitable for that department (maybe because he/she tends to voice out his/her opinion about how things should be done), then that person will be transferred (again.. including yours truly). Those who tend to voice out opinion are seen as pro old management and those who just follow instructions are noted in their good book.. regardless whether they can perform their jobs effectively or not. I think I know which category I am regarded as even though I have no such intention of going against the new management. Too bad for me, I guess. :(
The question is what happens to one's competencies? Doesn't that count anymore? Well.. let's keep our finger crossed that they know what they are doing. Let's hope for the best.
The new ones are yet to prove their worth. Even though we are just a bunch of jokers, we have contributed in making the company the way it is now. The company is able to survive on its own without help from previous parent company or any bodies, be it government or private. The new ones got it easy.. they come in with good packages and enjoy the benefits of our hard efforts while we had to sacrifice a lot.. no increments and bonuses for the first 2,3 years when the company was fist started....hmm.. it seems so unfair. I guess some people have all the luck. But don't forget, life is just like a rolling wheel, sometimes you are up sometimes you are down.
Most of us love the company and we don't mind growing old with the company. But from the way it is now.. I think it's time to update my resume. Gosh.. it has been more than 9 years.... :(
Meanwhile, to 2 dear friends of mine.. I wish you all the best for your future undertakings. It is sad to see you go. But then as I told you both.. in a way I am happy for you too... you are going for greener pastures.
These past few months we have seen many of the 'old' staff left the company, and the number keeps growing. To top that up, two more tendered their resignation... one on Monday and another one yesterday.
I feel so sad because not only they are dear friends of mine, but they are also among those who I think contributed a lot to the company thus far. They are heading two important departments here, one is on the revenue and another on controls the financial matters.
In my opinion, they left because they are not happy with the current situation of the company(but of course, another reason is because the offer is quite good to just let it go). Since the new management comes in, many of the staff who have served the company ever since its infant days (including yours truly) feel that we are not being appreciated . The new management see us as a bunch of jokers, idiots who do not know how to do our jobs. Hence, the reason why they bring in so many people at the top posts... some are just newly created. No doubt some are quite good (even though not as excellent as they were portrayed to be), but some are still yet to prove themselves worthy of the remuneration package given.
It has been seven months since the new management took over but so far I do not see much progress been made... apart from hiring new people and transferring some staff to other departments. Changes to the structure happens so fast nowadays. If they think a person is not suitable for that department (maybe because he/she tends to voice out his/her opinion about how things should be done), then that person will be transferred (again.. including yours truly). Those who tend to voice out opinion are seen as pro old management and those who just follow instructions are noted in their good book.. regardless whether they can perform their jobs effectively or not. I think I know which category I am regarded as even though I have no such intention of going against the new management. Too bad for me, I guess. :(
The question is what happens to one's competencies? Doesn't that count anymore? Well.. let's keep our finger crossed that they know what they are doing. Let's hope for the best.
The new ones are yet to prove their worth. Even though we are just a bunch of jokers, we have contributed in making the company the way it is now. The company is able to survive on its own without help from previous parent company or any bodies, be it government or private. The new ones got it easy.. they come in with good packages and enjoy the benefits of our hard efforts while we had to sacrifice a lot.. no increments and bonuses for the first 2,3 years when the company was fist started....hmm.. it seems so unfair. I guess some people have all the luck. But don't forget, life is just like a rolling wheel, sometimes you are up sometimes you are down.
Most of us love the company and we don't mind growing old with the company. But from the way it is now.. I think it's time to update my resume. Gosh.. it has been more than 9 years.... :(
Meanwhile, to 2 dear friends of mine.. I wish you all the best for your future undertakings. It is sad to see you go. But then as I told you both.. in a way I am happy for you too... you are going for greener pastures.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Being Human
I have not done Tahajjud prayer for quite a long time and alhamdulillah last night I was able to.
I don't know why but as I sat on the sejadah reciting my doa, I felt the urge to cry and cry I did. I cried and cried until my eyes were all puffy.
I felt so small, so humble and so helpless.
I prayed that Allah will forgive me for not being thankful enough for all the Rahmat bestowed upon me. I realize that I have been so self-centered and always ask for more while giving so little in return.
As I wrote in my earlier posting, I wonder too much and often ask why I don't get what I wish for, why my dreams are not fulfilled, and why certain things in life do not go as planned.
Now I'm beginning to come to terms with that and redha with whatever that I have at the moment. I am still far better off compared to million others in this world. Here I am wondering why I don't get this and that while others who are less fortunate than me are thinking about how to survive at this very moment.
Ya Allah.. please give me strength to go through this life. I am just a human being with a lot of imperfections.
I don't know why but as I sat on the sejadah reciting my doa, I felt the urge to cry and cry I did. I cried and cried until my eyes were all puffy.
I felt so small, so humble and so helpless.
I prayed that Allah will forgive me for not being thankful enough for all the Rahmat bestowed upon me. I realize that I have been so self-centered and always ask for more while giving so little in return.
As I wrote in my earlier posting, I wonder too much and often ask why I don't get what I wish for, why my dreams are not fulfilled, and why certain things in life do not go as planned.
Now I'm beginning to come to terms with that and redha with whatever that I have at the moment. I am still far better off compared to million others in this world. Here I am wondering why I don't get this and that while others who are less fortunate than me are thinking about how to survive at this very moment.
Ya Allah.. please give me strength to go through this life. I am just a human being with a lot of imperfections.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
My Proud Moment
I am beaming with pride.
So far Ellix has managed to do her half-day fasting for about 7 days already. What makes us so proud is the fact that we never asked her to but she does it out of her own will. We just explained to her what puasa means and why Muslims are required to puasa during ramadhan. We told her that it is not compulsory for kids to puasa but it will good if they do.
The first time Ellix told me that she puasa and did not eat until she got back home from her Kindie, I really thanked God. Even though it was only half a day, it is better than nothing. It's a start!
I, in a way, wondered what makes her decided to fast. Somehow I was sure it's not from the pep-talk that I had with her. Later I found out that she decided to puasa because her close Kindie friends who are muslim mostly puasa and did not eat during break. She further said that "Mama, the teacher did not scold us for not eating and did not ask us to stand at a corner this time. She let us play while others eat".
Hmm.. as I said before, Ellix will always be Ellix.
- Given the choice of eating and playing, she would definitely choose to play.
- She succumbs to peer pressure. But, hey.. I don't mind. This is a good peer pressure.
I thank God for the rahmat bestowed upon me thus far. Looking at her now makes me realize that, despite having so many unfulfilled wishes, life is not that bad after all.
So far Ellix has managed to do her half-day fasting for about 7 days already. What makes us so proud is the fact that we never asked her to but she does it out of her own will. We just explained to her what puasa means and why Muslims are required to puasa during ramadhan. We told her that it is not compulsory for kids to puasa but it will good if they do.
The first time Ellix told me that she puasa and did not eat until she got back home from her Kindie, I really thanked God. Even though it was only half a day, it is better than nothing. It's a start!
I, in a way, wondered what makes her decided to fast. Somehow I was sure it's not from the pep-talk that I had with her. Later I found out that she decided to puasa because her close Kindie friends who are muslim mostly puasa and did not eat during break. She further said that "Mama, the teacher did not scold us for not eating and did not ask us to stand at a corner this time. She let us play while others eat".
Hmm.. as I said before, Ellix will always be Ellix.
- Given the choice of eating and playing, she would definitely choose to play.
- She succumbs to peer pressure. But, hey.. I don't mind. This is a good peer pressure.
I thank God for the rahmat bestowed upon me thus far. Looking at her now makes me realize that, despite having so many unfulfilled wishes, life is not that bad after all.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Rebuilding Trust
I found this article while browsing on the net (About.com:Marriage):
When infidelity, lies or broken promises invade a marriage, the trust between husband and wife is severely damaged. However, this doesn't mean that the marital relationship can't be saved.
When your spouse has done something to break the trust between two, rebuilding trust in your marriage can be difficult. Here are suggestions on how to on rebuild trust.
Difficulty: Hard
Time Required: Varies
Here's How:
When infidelity, lies or broken promises invade a marriage, the trust between husband and wife is severely damaged. However, this doesn't mean that the marital relationship can't be saved.
When your spouse has done something to break the trust between two, rebuilding trust in your marriage can be difficult. Here are suggestions on how to on rebuild trust.
Difficulty: Hard
Time Required: Varies
Here's How:
- Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse.
- Decide to forgive or to be forgiven.
- If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc.
Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back on track. - Both of you must renew your commitment to your marriage and one another.
- The wounded spouse must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on.
- Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.
- Be honest.
- Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming 'I' statements and don't say always, must, never, or should.
- Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions.
- Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding into what caused the trust to be broken.
- Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the affair or betrayal.
Tips:
- Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.
- It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away.
- Be aware of your feelings and share your feelings with one another.
What You Need:
- Time
- Patience
- Honesty
- Commitment to your marriage
- Love
- Forgiveness
Note: Well.... as it says, it is not easy. I know so. :(
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Mars Vs. Venus
I happen to come across this story which I find quite interesting. It depicts the differences between men and women. It may seem a bit extreme but when you really think about it, well... it does make sense.
A lot of times couples break up because of miscommunication. What men think and what women think sometimes can be very different. As Dr. John Gray said, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
Here goes....
The Difference Between Men & Women
By Humor Columnist Dave Berry
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.
She thinks to herself: gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: gosh. Six months?
And Elaine is thinking: but, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here!
And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: and I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: he's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: they'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up..."
Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs...
"I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
A lot of times couples break up because of miscommunication. What men think and what women think sometimes can be very different. As Dr. John Gray said, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
Here goes....
The Difference Between Men & Women
By Humor Columnist Dave Berry
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.
She thinks to herself: gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: gosh. Six months?
And Elaine is thinking: but, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here!
And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: and I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: he's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: they'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up..."
Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs...
"I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.
"Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Thursday, August 2, 2007
C'est La Vie
I always remind my daughter to be thankful of what she has. But then I guess I forgot to remind myself to do so.
I realize that I often wonder why certain things in life do not go as planned. I often ask why I don't get what I wish for, why my dreams are not fulfilled, why things go they way they are?
I guess that is just facts of life. You get some, you lose some. C'est La Vie. I just have to accept that.
I shouldn't be wondering so much. What good will it do? It will make me more miserable.
I should be thankful to God. Thankful that regardless of what happened to me, I am still alive, in good health, have enough to get me by and I have people who still care about me.
If I look around, there are a lot more people who are less fortunate than me. There are people who has to go through sufferings just to stay alive. There are people who barely have enough to eat. And there are people who never knew the meaning of comfort, etc. etc.
I hope it is not too late for me to do that.
I realize that I often wonder why certain things in life do not go as planned. I often ask why I don't get what I wish for, why my dreams are not fulfilled, why things go they way they are?
I guess that is just facts of life. You get some, you lose some. C'est La Vie. I just have to accept that.
I shouldn't be wondering so much. What good will it do? It will make me more miserable.
I should be thankful to God. Thankful that regardless of what happened to me, I am still alive, in good health, have enough to get me by and I have people who still care about me.
If I look around, there are a lot more people who are less fortunate than me. There are people who has to go through sufferings just to stay alive. There are people who barely have enough to eat. And there are people who never knew the meaning of comfort, etc. etc.
I hope it is not too late for me to do that.
Friday, July 20, 2007
A Tribute to A Dear Friend
Yesterday, when I went to visit Dahlia at Ampang Puteri, I went to pick up Ninie first. Imagine our feelings when we met. As Ninie said to me over the phone.. "When I see you, I just want to hug you. I miss you so much".
We hugged each other tightly. It felt so good to be able to see each other again after so long.
As anyone can imagine, we just talked and talked all the way to the hospital. We have a lot of catching up to do.
On our way back after seeing Dees, we continued our talk again. This time it was a bit more personal. We talked about ourselves more instead of talking about our family.
I guess it felt good to talk to somebody who understands us. Somebody who knows who we really are. Somebody who will not judge us and somebody who will accept us the way we are.
Something Ninie said made me think.."You know what, when we were schooling, I didn't have other close friends except you. We were always together, even when we were not on talking terms to each other!"
Actually what Ninie said is true. We were always together. What ironic about us is... we were never been in the same class. Neither were we in the same room. We just happen to be two girls who were just inseparable. Even when we fought (yes, we fought .. sometimes over silly matters) .. we still went everywhere together. We still waited for each other to go for dinner and prep. We still shared our food... even though no words came out from our mouth.
After school, we were supposed to go to US together. But then, Ninie decided to quit the program and join local University instead... because of personal reason. I was sad, of course. I thought we would be able to go to the same University together.
When I got back from US for good, Ninie was the one who picked me up at the airport. I remember, it was almost 4am.And there she was.. waiting for me with her parents (somehow I managed to get permission from my parents to let me stop over in KL first before going back to Kuantan).
When I started working, I stayed with Ninie and her parents.. until the day Ninie left to UK to further her studies. It was a sad moment for me, but at the same time I was happy for her.
I still remember how I coaxed Ninie to wear more up to date dresses. Well.. I was the one who was always in short skirts while Ninie, being Ninie, is very decent. I always told her .. "Ninie, you are pretty. Bila lagi nak pakai all these. Now is the time."
Well, those were the days. How different it seems now. Whatever it is, Ninie, you are still my best friend. Forever and ever.
We hugged each other tightly. It felt so good to be able to see each other again after so long.
As anyone can imagine, we just talked and talked all the way to the hospital. We have a lot of catching up to do.
On our way back after seeing Dees, we continued our talk again. This time it was a bit more personal. We talked about ourselves more instead of talking about our family.
I guess it felt good to talk to somebody who understands us. Somebody who knows who we really are. Somebody who will not judge us and somebody who will accept us the way we are.
Something Ninie said made me think.."You know what, when we were schooling, I didn't have other close friends except you. We were always together, even when we were not on talking terms to each other!"
Actually what Ninie said is true. We were always together. What ironic about us is... we were never been in the same class. Neither were we in the same room. We just happen to be two girls who were just inseparable. Even when we fought (yes, we fought .. sometimes over silly matters) .. we still went everywhere together. We still waited for each other to go for dinner and prep. We still shared our food... even though no words came out from our mouth.
After school, we were supposed to go to US together. But then, Ninie decided to quit the program and join local University instead... because of personal reason. I was sad, of course. I thought we would be able to go to the same University together.
When I got back from US for good, Ninie was the one who picked me up at the airport. I remember, it was almost 4am.And there she was.. waiting for me with her parents (somehow I managed to get permission from my parents to let me stop over in KL first before going back to Kuantan).
When I started working, I stayed with Ninie and her parents.. until the day Ninie left to UK to further her studies. It was a sad moment for me, but at the same time I was happy for her.
I still remember how I coaxed Ninie to wear more up to date dresses. Well.. I was the one who was always in short skirts while Ninie, being Ninie, is very decent. I always told her .. "Ninie, you are pretty. Bila lagi nak pakai all these. Now is the time."
Well, those were the days. How different it seems now. Whatever it is, Ninie, you are still my best friend. Forever and ever.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Time to Reflect
Just got back from Ampang Puteri Hospital... visiting a dear friend (Dees) who was diagnosed with cancer. Tomorrow she will be transferred to Gleneagles for her chemotherapy.
I feel sad to know that her cancer has spread to her liver. Infact she was admitted to Ampang Puteri because she felt quite weak. Before going to the hospital, I had prepared myself with tissue papers, just in case it would be a sob, sob moment. But then, thank god, I didn't have to use it. I somehow feel happy to know that she is coping well and seems to be positive about the treatment that she's going to do. Maybe she's putting up a brave face for our sake but I do hope she's strong enough, especially emotionally, to go through it all.
It just happened that when I arrived (I went there with another friend), 3 of our old schoolmates were already there. What a coincidence! Didn't expect to see them on working day at 10am! We had a good time catching up with the latest news and I know it somehow cheered Dees up a little bit.
I realize lately that more and more of the people I know have been diagnozed with illnesses and diseases that I never thought would only happen to 'other people'. How sad.... and it can be frightening sometimes. It makes me realize that we never know what the future has in store for us. Nothing is certain.
I feel sad to know that her cancer has spread to her liver. Infact she was admitted to Ampang Puteri because she felt quite weak. Before going to the hospital, I had prepared myself with tissue papers, just in case it would be a sob, sob moment. But then, thank god, I didn't have to use it. I somehow feel happy to know that she is coping well and seems to be positive about the treatment that she's going to do. Maybe she's putting up a brave face for our sake but I do hope she's strong enough, especially emotionally, to go through it all.
It just happened that when I arrived (I went there with another friend), 3 of our old schoolmates were already there. What a coincidence! Didn't expect to see them on working day at 10am! We had a good time catching up with the latest news and I know it somehow cheered Dees up a little bit.
I realize lately that more and more of the people I know have been diagnozed with illnesses and diseases that I never thought would only happen to 'other people'. How sad.... and it can be frightening sometimes. It makes me realize that we never know what the future has in store for us. Nothing is certain.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Occassional Sob Sob Moments
Whenever people talk about Korean drama, Winter's Sonata, without fail, will be mentioned. It was a hit in Asia way back in 2002.
I didn't have a chance to watch it before except for occassional glimpse, whenever I happenned to go back home early from work. But then last Saturday, a friend of mine loaned me the whole collection of Winter's Sonata after knowing that I have not seen it. Thanks very much Kak Ta! Apparently, if you love to watch romantic dramas, this is a must!
Finally, I got my hands on the CDs and there were 20 of them in the box. At least I have something to look forward to this weekend and the coming week.
After I finished the 1st CD, then I understand why it had become such a big hit before. The winter sceneries in the movie were so breathtakingly beautiful and the soundtracks.... gosh.. they just stay on and on in your mind. The story is one of the greatest love stories that I have ever watched. My eyes were practically glued on the TV. I was under a spell!
Winter Sonata is the kind of drama that makes you feel young again and makes you remember what it feels to be in love for the first time.... the bittersweet of falling in love. It opens up our heart about love and sacrifices and brings us down memory lane.
So, there I was .... I forego my sleep and other activities over the weendends... except for the occassional meal and bathroom breaks. Finally, around 3.30am last night... or rather this morning, I manage to complete the whole story. My husband couldn't understand what is so special about the movies. The dubbing was quite bad (yes, you can hear the mandarin voiceovers quite clearly) and the subtitles are terrible.
When I finally switched off the DVD player last night, it felt like I have been through an emotional roller coaster. I shed tears, I smiled and I felt kind of warmth inside of me. I can't remember the last time that I am this emotional over a movie.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The Apple Tree
The story below reminds us to love our parents while we still can do so. The Apple tree is so much like our parents. When we were young, we love to play with them. In fact our life centers around them. When we grew older, we left them. Most often we forgot about them and only saw them when we need something or when we were in trouble.
No matter what, parents' love see no boundaries. It will always be there, no matter what. Most parents will do anything and give everything they possibly can to make us happy.
Here goes....
A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it every day. He loved the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow...He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by.......
The little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree everyday. One day the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad. "Come play with me," the tree asked the boy. I am no longer a kid, I don't ' play around trees anymore." The boy replied, "I want toys. I need money to buy them." "Sorry, but I don't have money.....but you can pick my apples and sell them. Then you will have money." The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples.
The tree was sad. One day the boy returned and the tree was so excited. "Come and play with me" the tree said. I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me? "Sorry but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house." So the boy cut all the branches off the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then.
The tree was lonely and sad. One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was so delighted. "Come and play with me!" the tree said. "I am so sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat? " "Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy." So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a very long long time.
Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. "Sorry, my boy, but I don't have anything for you anymore. No more apples for yo u...." the tree said". "I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied. "No more trunk for you to climb on" I am too old for that now" the boy said. "I really can't give you anything.....the only thing left is my dying roots" the tree said with tears. "I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years." The boy replied "Good! Old Tree Roots is the best place to lean and rest on." "Come, come sit down with me and rest " The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears......
No matter what, parents' love see no boundaries. It will always be there, no matter what. Most parents will do anything and give everything they possibly can to make us happy.
Here goes....
A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it every day. He loved the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow...He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by.......
The little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree everyday. One day the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad. "Come play with me," the tree asked the boy. I am no longer a kid, I don't ' play around trees anymore." The boy replied, "I want toys. I need money to buy them." "Sorry, but I don't have money.....but you can pick my apples and sell them. Then you will have money." The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples.
The tree was sad. One day the boy returned and the tree was so excited. "Come and play with me" the tree said. I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me? "Sorry but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house." So the boy cut all the branches off the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then.
The tree was lonely and sad. One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was so delighted. "Come and play with me!" the tree said. "I am so sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat? " "Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy." So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a very long long time.
Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. "Sorry, my boy, but I don't have anything for you anymore. No more apples for yo u...." the tree said". "I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied. "No more trunk for you to climb on" I am too old for that now" the boy said. "I really can't give you anything.....the only thing left is my dying roots" the tree said with tears. "I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years." The boy replied "Good! Old Tree Roots is the best place to lean and rest on." "Come, come sit down with me and rest " The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears......
Monday, May 14, 2007
To UMI, With Lots of Love
Yesterday, after finished talking on the phone with my mum, I felt the urge to cry and well... cry I did.
I guess I have not been a good daughter for quite a while. So many things happened and somehow it affected my relationship with my mum. It is not like what it used to be before. And the sad part is.. I have not done much to rectify it.
Even though she has never said it directly to me, I know my mum wishes that my life could be better. I can sense it from the tone of her voice and from the look in her eyes.
Someone said to me that a mother's love has no boundaries and no conditions. I agree with that. My mum never failed me.. not even once. She was always there whenever I needed her... regardless for whatever reason.
But then, it is sad to say that I am not able to do the same thing to her. I cannot match whatever she did to me.... not even close. I know I broke her heart countless times. I know she had, on many occasions, cried because of me. And I know she used to worry, and still worry about me.
Umi, maybe I am not very good in showing it but the fact is, I love you very much. I wish things are different and I wish I know how to communicate with you better. I have been keeping so many things to myself for so long that now I don't know where to start.
I know I have not been a very good daughter and I have hurt your feelings so many times but trust me, they were unintentional. If I could, hurting your feelings would be the last thing on earth that I would do.
Umi, there's no word in this world that can describe how much I love you, respect you and proud of you. I may not be able to show it but I know deep down in your heart, you know how much I love you.
Happy Mother's Day Umi.
I guess I have not been a good daughter for quite a while. So many things happened and somehow it affected my relationship with my mum. It is not like what it used to be before. And the sad part is.. I have not done much to rectify it.
Even though she has never said it directly to me, I know my mum wishes that my life could be better. I can sense it from the tone of her voice and from the look in her eyes.
Someone said to me that a mother's love has no boundaries and no conditions. I agree with that. My mum never failed me.. not even once. She was always there whenever I needed her... regardless for whatever reason.
But then, it is sad to say that I am not able to do the same thing to her. I cannot match whatever she did to me.... not even close. I know I broke her heart countless times. I know she had, on many occasions, cried because of me. And I know she used to worry, and still worry about me.
Umi, maybe I am not very good in showing it but the fact is, I love you very much. I wish things are different and I wish I know how to communicate with you better. I have been keeping so many things to myself for so long that now I don't know where to start.
I know I have not been a very good daughter and I have hurt your feelings so many times but trust me, they were unintentional. If I could, hurting your feelings would be the last thing on earth that I would do.
Umi, there's no word in this world that can describe how much I love you, respect you and proud of you. I may not be able to show it but I know deep down in your heart, you know how much I love you.
Happy Mother's Day Umi.
Friday, February 9, 2007
Que Sera Sera
Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be.
That is what I should always remind myself whenever my head starts thinking about this and that. You see, I have this problem.. I wonder too much. When I start wondering.. my head will be thinking of so many things.... especially the 'what if'.
It is ok to wonder .. to a certain extend. It keeps the mind active. But then it has its setbacks too. Too much of wondering can affect the emotion and emotion can affect our lives.
Well.. the future is not ours to see. So, why bother wondering?
That is what I should always remind myself whenever my head starts thinking about this and that. You see, I have this problem.. I wonder too much. When I start wondering.. my head will be thinking of so many things.... especially the 'what if'.
It is ok to wonder .. to a certain extend. It keeps the mind active. But then it has its setbacks too. Too much of wondering can affect the emotion and emotion can affect our lives.
Well.. the future is not ours to see. So, why bother wondering?
Monday, September 18, 2006
The House of 1000 Mirrors
This is a Japanese folktale about how how we live our life. How people treat us and behave towards us is actually a reflection of who we are towards them.
Here goes...
Long ago in a small, far away village, there was a place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors. A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the house, he thought to himself, "This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often."
In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, "That is a horrible place, and I will never go back there again."
All the faces in the world are mirrors. What kind of reflections do you see in the faces of the people you meet?
Here goes...
Long ago in a small, far away village, there was a place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors. A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the house, he thought to himself, "This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often."
In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, "That is a horrible place, and I will never go back there again."
All the faces in the world are mirrors. What kind of reflections do you see in the faces of the people you meet?
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