Monday, December 18, 2006

Abah in Memory

Today is Abah's 66th birtday and it has been exactly 6 years since Abah passed away. After 1 year and 3 months of battling over colon cancer, Abah finally rest in peace on his 60th birthday.

I feel so guilty as lately I seem to spend very little time in remembering Abah. I seem to be engrossed with my own matters that I have been spending less time to 'sedekah' ayat-ayat Quran and prayers for Abah.

Abah, if you can hear me, I just want to say how sorry I am. It's not that I forget about you but somehow in going through my day to day life, I seem to be drifted away from you.

I dreamed about you about 4 nights ago. In my dream, you came to me and looked at me with a sad expression on your face, saying nothing.

When I woke up, I felt very sad inside. I keep wondering what is the meaning of my dream? Is Abah trying to tell me how he feels about me? Is he upset with me for not putting aside my time to remember him? Or is he sad with what's going on with my life now?

Abah, to be honest, I do miss you. Infact, I miss you a lot. Many times, especially when I have problem, I wished that you are still around. Somehow I have a feeling that things would be different if you are still around.

Tears welled in my eyes as I'm writing this. I have not cried for you for a long time, not since the day you passed away. That was the end of it. I guess I have cried enough. I cried when I received news news about you suffering from cancer, which was already at stage 4 when it was discovered. I cried when you went for your operations. I cried when I saw your frail body lying on the bed. I cried when taking care of you and saw how cancer destroyed your self esteem. I cried seeing how you suffer for one year and 3 months. And above all, I cried for being so helpless and not able to help you.

Somehow, today, I feel like crying again. It's not grieving for a father who had passed away, but grieving for a daughter who refused to acknowledge that she actually had not done anough for her father when he was around. I cried for a daughter who did not tell her father how much she loved him and how much she idolized him. I cried for a daughter who used to distance herself from her father because she was not able to cope with the reality of life. I cried for a daughter who did not seem to make her father proud of her.

Abah, I hope you can hear me now. I just want to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you. May you rest in peace and may Allah bless your soul forever.

Al fatihah.

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